Whoa . . . I never even knew Megan Mullally was a Republican (Part II)

I heard a lot this month from the Right about how Sarah Palin is a brave, ethical leader who stood up to her own party to battle corruption in Alaska and who should be lauded as an inspiration to decent, down-to-earth, hard-working American women everywhere. And I heard a lot from the Left about how she is a gun-wielding, racist psycho who will send us back to the Dark Ages with her views on war, global-warming and abortion.

All my ass really wants to know is,

how many Alaskan Amber Ales do you think it would take
for this . . .






. . . to turn into this?





I intend to find out on Halloween.

To test my working theory that the reason Sarah Palin rocks the same hair as Karen from "Will and Grace" is that Karen is Sarah Palin's secret alter ego, I have decided to dress up as a Palin-Walker Transformer for Halloween. My plan is simple -- to drink until Sarah Palin is unmasked as Karen Walker. Without giving too much away, let's just say the costume will involve an NRA badge, a martini shaker and a breakaway suit jacket.

It's really anyone's guess how many Tequila licks it will take to get to the horny-drunk-evil-socialite-on-a-sitcom center of my Palin Tootsie Roll Pop, but I truly can't wait to find out. I also can't wait to find out how many times at the Halloween party I can hum the Transformers theme song and obnoxiously overuse the line, "I'm more than meets the eye!"

A Teacher's Address to the Nation

This is an entry I've been wanting to post for awhile, and what better time than the start of the new school year? I can't take credit for it. It comes to us from my cousin Samantha -- a wife, mother and schoolteacher living in North Carolina, and the only woman I know with as much unbridled acrimony clogging up her veins as me.

The most delightful thing about these emails is that they answer the age-old question we all pondered as children: "Does my teacher hate me?"

EMAIL I:
I just took it up the ass today from a parent who was appalled about the number of grammatical mistakes included in a reading passage that I assigned. Technically everything she included in her lengthy e-mail was correct (she noted every single spelling error and punctuation mark, thank you very much). However, I would hardly call a comma splice an "appalling disservice to our kids". In truth, I should have read it over more carefully. Silly me for attending more to the content than the sentence construction. I e-mailed her back and apologized for my simpleton attempt to teach her child (choking on every word I wrote). Would he ever recover? Alas, only time will tell.

Her response? Not a simple "Thanks. Glad we took care of this." No, no- that would be too civil. Why berate me once when twice is just as nice. I got another long e-mail AFTER my apology, lecturing me on the responsibilities of my apparent role as the grammatical Pied Piper. Believe me when I tell you, a single tear rolled down my cheek when she told me about the harrowing bout young Ben has been forced to endure thanks to my callousness. And oh, the inner turmoil she went through as she debated on whether or not to e-mail me.

I hate white women who forgo their careers to devote their lives to their inconsequential little brats. Get a fucking life. Kick me in the uterus if I ever suggest my kid is more important than he really is. Did I mention this mother home-schooled her children until last year? Yeah.... that's totally normal. I'm sure a grammar mistake is the reason why your son can't open his mouth other than to suck on your tit.

This bitch should be glad I'm giving up slashing tires for lent.



EMAIL II:
It's just unbelievable how thankless both our jobs are. Not that I expect a pep rally in my honor, but a simple "You don't suck, Mrs. S." would do just fine. I received that e-mail on the heels of a kid telling me to shut up and a girl throwing a tantrum in my class because I had the nerve to bust her for skipping class. Excuse me if my head wasn't into proofreading that day. Maybe it's hormones or something, but I just can't take another person who doesn't have half the responsibilities that I do telling me how to do my job. I am so sick of criticism being guised as a question or a "helpful little hint". Who knew the "daily grind" was literally going to mean the grinding of my soul.

You know John gets shit on just as much as we do, but he at least has the consolation of having the title of "Doctor". People automatically treat him with a level of respect, and one day his pay will be equal to his efforts. I would like to see some ignorant jackass try to enlighten him on the finer points of surgery. I will forever and always be a "school teacher". My salary will never commensurate with my effort. I tell people what I do, and their response is "It must be nice to have your summers off." Parents treat me like I'm an employee who needs to taught how to teach. You must be infallible in order to be worthy of spending 50 minutes with their blessed kid. Their idea of showing me respect is re-gifting a sample pack from Bath and Body Works or a pin cushion in the shape of an apple that says "#1 teacher" at Christmas time. Do I look like a 75 year old spinster with a hairy mole and 13 cats?

I can't stand that I am held accountable to some idiot parent who believes Harry Potter shouldn't be taught in schools because it promotes witchcraft. The prospect of a job with no boss (or in my case, 1 boss as oppossed to 100 self-appointed ones) sounds like the Holy Grail. I really, really hope that you find a job where you are your own boss. At least one of us deserves to be happy.

Whoa . . . I never even knew Megan Mullally was a Republican

I mean . . . ?

Come on, don't pretend like I was the only one who initially thought John McCain had chosen Megan Mullally, the actress who played Karen Walker on Will and Grace, as his running mate.

OK, so maybe it is a little ludicrous in hindsight. But when the announcement that McCain had named his No. 1 was made last week, I was overly tired, decompressing from another hundred hour work week at the toilet paper factory, kind of comatosely staring at the TV, possibly buzzed off a novelty liqueur . . . you get the picture. Not to mention that I hadn't actually heard the name Sarah Palin mentioned yet -- all CNN kept saying was that McCain had made this left field pick, and that the person was a woman. So in my jacked up state, I thought for a split second I saw Karen up there at the podium, rockin' some cleave and drunkenly waving an American flag around. And I was like, "What the fuuuuuuuuck . . . ? When did Megan Mullally get all political?"

And even though I was consciously aware the whole time that Karen had just been a persona Mullally played, not . . . . an actual . . . person . . . I still half expected her to tip back a martini, turn to Laura Bush, frown at her outfit and say in that absurdly high-pitched voice, "Honey, what's that, what's going on, what's happening here?"

Aww, hell. I'll admit it -- as far as sitcom reruns on Lifetime go, for my money it doesn't get much better than Karen Walker. Shit, I love her so much I (tried to) dress up like her for Halloween a couple years ago. So imagine my disappointment when, on closer inspection, I saw the vice presidential nominee was actually this four-eyed Walker wannabe from Alaska.

Still though, note Gov. Sarah Palin's hairdo, her bone structure, her clothes . . . if those glasses ever came off, the resemblance to Karen would be uncanny, wouldn't it?

WOULDN'T IT????

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

I know I'm not alone here when I say the only thing this foxy politico from the Igloo Sate is missing from her repertoire is a gay sidekick, an El Salvadoran servant and a bottle of Bennies.